salesmen

i wonder how much of a let down it must be whenever he asks and finds out that it's just me,just tet.

and some foolish people would tell me i should put more worth upon myself, but we don't actually do that.this is the real world, baby.

i mean if you owned a piece of diamond and you said that it was worth three million bucks,no one would believe you. Instead, someone else from the outside,who sould provide "unbiased perspective" would come in and shove his nose into your business and make it his. his opinion would matter and that sucks.

it's the real thing you know. the only difference sometimes,is that some people become actually brave enough to change that, to say that their diamond is really three million bucks.i don't know what it is exactly;guts, conviction, integrity,or maybe a blatant manifestation of self-worth. we all get times like that,when we feel that we're even smarter than professionals (and well,there's nothing wrong with that).

so, to go back to my er... topic, i really wonder how he feels,what crosses his mind whenever he finds out that it's me - again. or what he says,how his face cracks into a smile, or more likely, a distortion, a frown or how he would dismiss whatever so passively. and not care at all.but whatever that reaction may be,however he digests the information of my being, i knowit's not doing so good for my ego.

i don't know why but when he comes to him i feel so inferior. and like hell, i didn't even think that would be possible. i don't feel pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, funny enough,responsible enough, talented enough...in short,good enough for him.

it is so hard to imagine how he feels but it is not so hard to imagine how my reaction would be.

i am not a fan of romance,and i have outgrown my fairytales a long time ago. but i do admit to my small guilty pleasures, to dreams and happy thoughts. and if his reaction is anything close to what i imagine, that would feels sooo.. tragic.

it'a funny now, thinking of that old cliche that every persuasive romantic soul must have said "he/she makes me feel like a million bucks". and now remembering his apathy puts me into a fit of bitter laughter.i feel exactly the opposite. i mean sure,he does something close to that, everyone knows my obssession. I don't even need to see him or talk to him or whatever, the mere thought of him is good enough for me and robs some emotional bank off the money. but again, remembering how he is puts me down like . whoa.

it is the outsider (and ironically, the very person i would want to be part of whatever i am) saying that

"no tet, that diamond is not worth three million...

in fact, its not even a diamond at all."

but you know i'll keep on insisting, the next day, with the same smile he unknowingly puts upon my face.

we all are salesmen.