FOR THE UNSPEAKABLE PERTRACHAN DREAM

TO THE UNSPEAKABLE PERTRACHAN DREAM

I just want to come up with something smart to say to you.
I just want to wow you with my new-found genius, surprise with you with my mental prowess, to make you realize, I’m at least worthy of your time. And somehow, I want to convince myself, and you, that no, you’re not noosphere.

I just want to come up with something funny to say to you.
I just want to make you laugh, because I love seeing you laugh. I really do. It’ll be so funny you’ll forget everything else in the world. So freaking hilarious you won’t help but beam like the cats I really really hate And your smiles mark the moments. And I wonder how long they last, and how I should count them. With heart beats, I suppose. And your smiles and laughter are a heart race.

I just want to come up with something mean to say to you.
It’ll be so nasty I’d leave you so miserable. You see, I should have never seen you, and met you, and talked to you. I should have never known who you are, because I cannot even imagine not knowing you. And besides I don’t think you’re treating me fairly. First of all, a yes-or-no question means no maybes. Secondly, sometimes you seem to think you are the most important thing. Not that you’re unimportant, but why think it? And lastly, I want you to know, I can always go. And I will be so cold; you will feel to your bones how I do not care – at all.

I just want to come up with something sad to say to you.
Just so you can look me that way again, to show me there are better things. To tell me, like so many times before, how we are bound to overcome. And I want you to sing those melodies again; the songs I despise, the songs you love, the songs that make me realize I am not perfect, and that perhaps I may need your help.

I want to come up with something scary to say to you.
I want to frighten you out of your wits and make you run, and go somewhere I can never follow. I want you there, because I can’t stand seeing you here. And I can’t stand feeling the way I do. At least then you would have a valid reason to hate me.

I just want to come up with something happy to say to you.
Just so you know you’re part of that happiness. I want you to see how there is at least an ounce of positivity in me. Yes, there is, now. I want you to see how you changed me. I want you to see how I am even remotely like you.

And I will talk to you; I won’t be so tongue-tied, caught in a word fight so blank and unready. I won’t be so pathetically charmed, my senses won’t be petrified. I won’t need to shrug and smile half-smiles so stupidly, to fill the void, to make up for the unexplainable silence between you and me.
I’ll look you dead in the eye, and I won’t be afraid. I will speak, and you will understand perfectly what I mean. You will hear my words, how I feel, what I think. And you will know who I am, what I am made of.
It’ll be so natural, like you were meant to just listen to me, and I, to you.

I just want to come up with something -----
I just want to come up with something, at all, to say to you.

city lights, coffee and smiles

Ot has been quite a year.

And my attempt to convincing myself that I am so strong and good and very much capable has somehow led me to a wonderfully-created illusion of the dispensability of all friendships. Yes, friendships that are pointless, baseless, or simply imaginary should be forgotten, without any backward glance and that will be the proper thing.

But the greater truth is that there are exceptional friendships which are worth more than whatever social networks can generate, which go beyond territories, and which, without question, will be the friendships that will last.

First, it was the trains that fascinated me. the very train which united us three [mrt :)] became the channel for a meeting that I knew would indicate either a dying (or already dead) or well, the same friendship. you see, there was one who braved the rain for hopes of moments spent together - and just that. then there was the other, who, as she rode the escalator she feared, showed me, friends can overcome.

The problem in meeting your old friends when you have so many new ones is essentially the same for everyone - the fear of seeing or being different people. Of course you want to see them, but at the back of your mind, you wonder, and half-wish you would be able to come up with a list of common things you can employ during your encounter. so when you meet them, you will not be caught so starkingly unready; with half smiles, side-glancing looks, and a constant fear for the akward silence.

And then it breaks, that wall.

What magic, you find out you are still the same people; and surprisingly you know one another even better. what freedom, to say those things you can't say to other people so easily and comfortably, it's like breathing. what happiness, when you find there are people who understand your weirdness (and uniqueness), and who do not have to feign surprise with every 'new' thing you think of or say.

Second, I think of the food, and sharing. i realized it's not about what it is between you but how you get through. It is not the too expensive mongolian meals in front of you (and frankly it didn't taste good), but the spoken words in between. I have drunk so much coffee in the past few days. but I realized it is not the coffee you drink, but who you share it with. It is not about what you cry about, but the fact that you do. Crying is human..

Third, friends are necessary for good memory. Funny, how you just easily remember so many trivial things, and realize that no, they actually have value. Perhaps if everbody was surrounded with such good friends, alzheimer's disease wouldn't even exist.

Fourth, it is swallowing down a tasty fish cracker, and moving on. It is parting ways but knowing, and assuring one another we will meet again. :) It is going up the 49th level of a building you've never seen before, and spending time to look at the city lights.

You just realize, this is the first time you looked together from so high a place. and even with the absence of stars, the skies are comforting. Yes, we will get our own cars :), yes, I will end marry that petrarchan dream, yes, there will be more saturdays for us. there is fear of rain, but it is less scary.

You look below to observe the cars, going slow.
You just think of train stations, trains even, and how they go too fast.

Perhaps we have moved on from trains and train stations. From waiting, and choosing not to.
we have gone to the era of fast (or slow?) cars, with only coffee breaks in between. Oh the world seems to be going so fast that we tend to forget to sleep.

But then, friends make it worthwhile.

So we lose friends, and then we make new ones. the best thing, however, is how we can keep the really good ones.

sow cars, sleepless nights, friendships lost -- have really found an offset in the citylights, coffee and smiles.

it was one of those nights: hey moon please forget to fall down.
but it will, it constantly does.

And that's alright. i have more coffee nights, and swimming parties (or not?) to look forward to.

Enough to make up for the heartbreaks in the past.
[rainy days are not so scary when you have these friends. :) ] GOODTIMES.